Review: Breast milk in a brew

Presleep the wife and I have a cup of decaf tea, maybe a cheeky biscuit. It’s our way of unwinding, talking the day over and planning the next day. Without it I don’t feel relaxed or that I’ve put the day to bed.

So last night when I flicked the kettle on, popped the tea bags in the cups and joyfully walked to the fridge I was disheartened to discover we were all out of soya milk. Not a drop.

Now it was 10pm, Sainsbury’s was still open but I was in my jimmy jams and could not build up the energy to get changed and venture out into the dark night to simply get more milk.

All seemed hopeless. ¬†Until I noticed the bottle of expressed breast milk perched upon the top fridge shelf. It was from earlier that day when she left me for a day of galavanting whilst I played solo parent for 7 hours, the longest I’ve ever gone. I had successfully navigated this challenge but now needed to solve my lack of milk conundrum.

I therefore used the breast milk for my brew. And it was fantastic. Gave it that creamy taste I require, whilst reducing the temperature to a consumable degree. It held well, did not curdle, which some soya milks in my experience do, and looked the business. The brew tasted delightful and took a Hobnob successfully.

Nothing major. I am sure a number of people have done it before. Difference is I’ve not heard many people say they’ve tasted breast milk before, well as adults anyway. When I have heard it discussed people usually sound appalled at the idea. Never really understood why it was such a big deal.

Now I’m not saying that we should all go around trying random ladies breast milk or hook up hundreds of lactating mummies and start milking them for profit and consumer demand. What I am saying is that if you try your partners milk or use it for everyday purposes, maybe on your coco pops or in your brew is it that big a deal? I mean it is produced for human consumption and is full to the brim of fanastic properties. It’s readily available, aslong as your partner is producing it, it’s minimal carbon footprint means it’s beneficial to the environment and it’s free. Saved myself a journey to the shop and ¬£1.40 simply by using it last night.

And whilst I am talking about breasts and how they can offend, why do so many people get all riled up other breastfeeding in public?

Doing something natural, that’s been done for thousands of years, gives a baby the essentials for healthy growth and development is seen by some as inappropriate when done in a public areana. We shouldn’t be ostracising women for breastfeeding in public. We should be encouraging it and supporting these ladies. We see so many funbags out there all greased up, getting bobbed around and motorboated and rarely bat an eyelid. So lets not get all squibbly when a mummy pops one out for function.

Mummies I got your back.

The Evolution of Relationships

Picture the scene: Its 2005. A young, firm, moderately tall and somewhat handsome 17 year old takes his seat in his College Physical Education class. To the right the door opens. In walks a blonde piece of arse (don’t be offended I marry her later) in a suede skirt and a fluffy pair of boots. The scores are in. 10’s across the boards. No splash.

She takes a seat a couple of rows in front of him and to the right. He is back row because he has a fear of people sitting behind him due to numerous traumatic experiences of people giving him wet willies. He takes no risks.

Time ebbs away. Not much happens until a soft tone emits from the pocket of our back row hero. The class turn including the fitty at the front, perplexed as to what the song is that rings from the stallions trousers. Without fear he removes his phone and proclaims without hesitation ‘it’s the ringtone from Thomas the Tank, belting tune’ before apologising and turning it on silent. She gives him a little smile. And so it begins. A little flirtation in P.E, nothing more as they are attached to others, until they go their separate ways.

Fast forward 2 years and who would have thought but for Facebook to bring them back together. A cheeky few messages sent and a date is arranged. He whisks her off to that most romantic of destinations…. Hollywood Bowl. There will be no bowling tonight. Just a couple of pints and a few Malibu before cuddling up on the couch back at his place (well his parents couch as he is 20 and a poor arse student) and watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

So what happened next. Well read on below. And see how our couple age and grow. (Didn’t know I was a poet did you).

Enough of the taking as above as I am struggling to keep it up. Hold the innuendos please. So me and the Mrs have been married 5 years but together for 9. It’s been a fair old journey. But I thought I would discuss the biggest changes to our relationship.

Moving in together and bloody housework

Going from living at home to living together actually saved us money. We spent practically every night in the pub when we lived at home. Since we moved in together the pub we went to has closed so I can only presume we were financing it. Anyways it is a big step. You wake up together, go to sleep together, you there, their there. It’s pretty intense. But I’ve found it a good laugh. Obviously we drew straws for house work jobs. Thankfully I didn’t end up in bathroom duty as going elbows deep in toilets is not my thing. Give me a vacuum and an iron all day long. We’ve maintained our roles since the early days and it’s gone ok. Of course I don’t clean to her high standards and I cannot argue back with out the dettol spray coming flying back at my head but it works and the jobs get done.

Getting married

I popped the question after asking her father for his daughters hand in marriage. He was pretty eager to hand her over! The wedding plans went well. I stayed out of it unless asked to engage. When I did try to assist I was told to stay out and my ideas were often dismissed. Despite 4 threats of cancelling the wedding, I did eventually go through with it. I couldn’t do that to her she had worked so hard (it might have been the other way round). Anyhow we got down the aisle said the ‘I do’ s’ and cracked on with life. Not much changed. We still argue, we still laugh. The only difference is if she divorces me I get half and she owns far more than me so I’ve got her there.

Having kids.

The decision was made to add to our family at a wedding. Caught up in the romance and euphoria I leant over to the wife and said ‘now then sausage how about we pull the goalkeeper and see where that takes us?’ How could she say no. I had imagined that over the next months or so I would have discovered why Duracell bunnies have such a good rep. It actually didn’t take long and before we knew it we were now pregnant. 9 months later Flo popped out and we now had someone to keep alive. I don’t think a relationship gets tested as much as when kids come along. Everything becomes more intense. The happiness, the joy, the anxiety and stress. You laugh together more and cry together more. The arguments seem to get more dramatic as you now have witnesses hanging around all the time. We’ve had to watch it because we are a slightly firery sweary couple who have a parrot for a daughter so any ‘fucks’ or ‘buggers’ will defiently be repeated. Then we added another and this changed things again. Where once we might had squeezed 5 minutes together when Flo was asleep, we are now lucky if we manage to give each other a 5 five in the morning or before bed. But its all magic and well worth it.

So there is a little snippet into mine and mother freckles relationship. 5 years of marriage, 9 years of being together and 12 years of knowing each other.

Not always perfect but always eventful.

Much love

Daddy Freckle